I hate blogs...but I love irony. Although I'm not entirely sure why I decided to do this, but part of it is the fact that a very important flashdrive that, among other things, would keep this kind of writing, disappeared. I clearly remember packing it when coming back home from a recent Florida trip, but I have reason to believe that never actually happened (I'll explain more later). The people that will most likely be reading this already know enough about me that I luckily don't need to put a stupid introduction here. I hate those. So instead, I'll explain why I decided I needed to write this, as well as what the fuck has been going on with me in the past few weeks. I have a feeling I've been worrying people again...sorry about that.
Rewind a few weeks. The tournament for my karate school's demo team is coming up, and I find out I have to go there with just my dad. That right there is probably the definition of hell for me. Most people reading this know atleast some of the reasons why. The problem is that in the few days before leaving for this tournament, my incredibly twisted brain decided it was a good time to force me to deal with other things from the past regarding my father. Memories, really. Memories of physical abuse, to be specific. The ones that denial could only cover up for about half my life. Needless to say, the timing of this trip couldn't be worse. Especially when you consider the fact that going on a trip with just my dad one year earlier, just weeks after being told about other abuse-related things when I was a baby, set off what turned into the most self destructive year of my life. So as you probably realized by now, this trip was just one huge triggering hell for me, on several different levels.
It reminded me of everything. What some might find surprising is the fact that the triggers involving my dad weren't the worst part, honestly. It reminded me how much I feel like I need to self-destruct. How I honestly miss it. It always feels like there's some sort of void, some sort of need that I can only fill with some sort of typically self destructive habit. Due to a recent poem I posted elsewhere, people may be a bit confused about whether or not I let myself slip into that again. I should clarify that the only thing remotely self-destructive I've done lately is drink. Again, most people reading this know why this bothers me. Because my father along with several other relatives are alcoholics. Oh yes, more daddy issues. This is becoming such a happy post. I want to keep this mostly about my thoughts though, after all it is called The Sound of Madness.
Anyway, this whole trip still seems unreal to me. I had a conversation with a friend on facebook, and later discovered that the conversation didn't actually take place. Like packing the flashdrive I mentioned above, it was all in my head. I went from one edge of a state to the other in what seemed like a second. I still don't know what exactly was going on there. I wanted to hurt myself, but drank instead. I was pretty suicidal, and to be honest still was until the past day or two. I ended up going to my 9:40am sociology class drunk at one point. Oops. If it wasn't for certain people, I don't really want to know where I would be mentally right now. My karate school, particularly the group that went to this tournament too. They're my world, and what I consider my real family honestly.
But mainly, my PC friends. Even though I don't think I ever told more than one or two people what was really going on, that was strictly because of me. Especially the one(s) who ended up talking to me for hours every day throughout what I've mentioned above. I know that kept me a little less insane, and may be what kept me from doing things I would regret. It really means alot to me. You know who you are, thank you.
I won't always be writing about all this depressing crap. It just seemed like a starting point, and something I felt like I needed to say anyway. Another thing is, I'll always be putting atleast one link to music. The one for tonight is Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace. Why? Well this is my first post, and it's my favorite song. This blog is mainly about my issues, and I relate to that song too damn much. So here it is, the end to my first post. I hope you all feel a little more sane now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4M5dSvg8GUU
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