Questioning reality is my escape from reality, because basic reality, to be blunt, bores me. Maybe the years predominantly filled full of depression are to blame. Nothing creates feelings that hit me so deeply and alter reality as much as it has in the past, and will in the future. So to feel fine is to feel nothing. Nothing can recreate feelings that go so deep, except to question the feelings and the world itself. It simulaneously excites and scares me to break down and question each individual detail of the laws, norms, and basic concepts of life I've acquired over my lifetime. In a sense, exploring such thoughts may be the worst possible thing for any remaining sanity that hasn't had the intelligence to run from my brain before it is destroyed. Maybe it could be represented as taking a blade to the thread that this sanity is clinging to. The way I see it, though admittedly is not the most logical opinion, either questioning reality or what is reality itself could just as easily cut that thread. At least in this perspective, I'll construct my own answers and have my own reality to escape to while I ignore the real world as it continuously spirals down into a black hole of nonexistence. Pleasant image? I hope so.
Between my hours of classes in which I pretend to be one of those who accepts the way their sad little lives have been constructed, I prefer to sit outside to eat due to the fact that it appears more socially acceptable to observe the world in an unusual way. It's not that I prefer to appear socially acceptable, I just have an extreme hatred for stupid questions concerning why I do things the way I do. Put simply, I do this because I like to watch people. It amazes me the ways in which they simply repeat eachother's dull and stereotyped patterns. Do they ever wonder about life the way I do? Is there social self, as I like to call it, just a mask of lies as well? Can it really be that society functions because everyone is content in their worlds, imprinted into their minds since the day they were born? Or do they follow along in the little play just like I do, because there is essentially no other choice?
What is reality, really? Is it what perceive as the world around us? If that were the case, wouldn't every individual's reality be unique? Then who is to say that one's reality is untrue? If someone claims to be commanded or spoken to by a god of the more common and socially acceptable religions, it is considered to be a sign of great faith. On the contrary, if someone claims they are commanded or spoken to by Satan, they are deemed as having some sort of mental illness, because their claims do not fit the contemporary views of reality. This can be extended into similar examples. What defines a delusion, really? An untrue belief often regarding the state of their surroundings? So is it false, or is it just false to an observer? What defines depression or any other allegedly abnormal state that may alter one's view of the world? An individual may show typical beliefs indicative of depression. But what if they are realistic, at least in the individual's reality? Where is the line dividing what is reality and what isn't, if reality is a subjective concept? I'm not implying that I or anyone else does not have psychological issues. I know I do. I highly doubt I would be writing this if I didn't. Maybe those issues don't alter one's view of reality. Maybe they become a new one instead.
It's me and them. Am I one of them? Why? Why not? Biologically speaking, humans are of the same species. Therefore I am one of them. I don't believe I am like them, however. I don't think like them. I act like them strictly because of a lack of other options. There are typically co-occurring thoughts running simultaneously regarding this topic. Yes, I am human, I'm one of them, of course I am, I have to be, thinking this is not normal. On the other hand, I feel as though I am channeling the deepest truths of my own identity. I am not repeating the lies told to me, nor am I constructing my own. This is my thought. Mine and mine alone. I have also learned not to trust myself, however. Is my thought true? Are my beliefs about me, the world, reality, wrong? Are they wrong in my world? Are they just wrong in other's worlds? Or are they right? Am I right? Or am I tricked by the demons in my own mind, once again altering my perceptions....but are they wrong?
So back to my "normal" way of explaining things...this song I kind of relate to in reference to this topic. It's a little depressing, but oh well.
No comments:
Post a Comment